dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
How does one acquire holy water?
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
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