The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
