Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
When are your genitals available?
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Randomize
