It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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