I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
