he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Randomize
