I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
