Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
