I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
