hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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