I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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