I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
