got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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