Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Enjoy the penises
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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