Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Randomize
