I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
