shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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