Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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