Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
