it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
He keeps bees of course he's weird
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Randomize
