um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
