There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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