I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
