I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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