Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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