At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
