i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
Randomize
