i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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