I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Randomize
