Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
