You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
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