I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
