I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
