Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
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