david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
