Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
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