I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
