Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
