I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
