my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
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