Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Randomize
