you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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