I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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