I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
