Where are you?
In a non slutty way
PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
