Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
