just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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