When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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