He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
