I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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