This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
