So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
