Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Randomize
