the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
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