Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
