apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Randomize
