Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Randomize
