Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
