i'm signing you up for texting rehab
i love accidental penises.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Randomize
