I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...