If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
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he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
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I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.